As I mentioned in my “Is It Me?” post, I have had quite a few “interesting” dating experiences of late, the last of which takes the cake and might even provide a bit more insight into the ramblings of my previous post.
Set-up: Guy meets girl for coffee, they have great conversation, guy asks girl to go to the movies and then guy is late for the movie, so there are barely time for two words before the movie begins.
Guy: By the way, you look really nice
Girl: Thanks
Guy: What don’t I look nice
(Hindsight: first clue to insecurities)
The movie is over and Guy and Girl start to walk out of the theater.
Guy: Did you like the movie
Girl: Yeah, it was really good
Guy: Oh wait, I forgot my keys (he turns to walk back into the theater)
Girl: (calls after him) going to the ladies room
Girl comes out of ladies room, can’t find guy anywhere. Sends text:
Girl: ???
Guy: You left…
Girl: Umm, no when you said you were going back for your keys I said I was going to the ladies room
Guy: I had to go back for my keys
Guy: I never heard you
Girl: Oh Did you think I would just walk off?
Girl: Well goodnight I guess, thanks for the movie. Hope you enjoyed it.
Guy: I did
Girl: Next time, maybe you could check first before assuming I am a jerk.
MORE RANDOM TEXTING
Girl: Ok. This is pretty funny
Guy: I could just tell that you’re not all that into me, so I wasn’t going to make you feel bad for wanting to leave
Girl: Seriously?
MORE RANDOM TEXTING: followed by a phone call, this seemed to go really well.
Both guy and girl explained where they were coming from and agreed that they should try that again except over dinner instead of a movie so there was more opportunity to converse and get to know each other. They agreed to dinner on Tuesday evening.
(Hindsight: what kind of guy just leaves a theater on the assumption that his date would walked off without at least checking first.)
Couple of random phone conversations and texting that all seemed to follow the track of the post-theater phone call. Then Girl sends text:
Girl: So not ready for Monday
Guy: I am… I’m off!
Girl: Lucky you Mondays are the worst. And the next two will be crazy because in 2 weeks, I am traveling for 2 weeks.
Guy: Ok ok, I can take a hint!
Girl: What is the hint?
Guy: You’re too busy, blah, blah, blah… ;)
Girl: Whatever. That’s not what I was saying :P. Just commenting on my craziness at work.
Guy: That’s more like it! ;)
(Hindsight: Guy apparently needs his ego constantly stroked. Note above “don’t I look nice” sentiment which was repeated in phone conversations about whether or not I ever give a guy a compliment.)
Then Guy sends Girl a message that he cannot make it on Tuesday due to work. Girl says how about Thursday. Guy says I will check. Girl says just let me know. More random texting/talking. Then:
Guy: Just think… at the pace we’re on, by this time next year we will know each other’s middle names! Lol
Girl: LOL. Middle names, I don’t even know your last name.
Guy: See
Girl: That is an interesting last name.
Guy: Hahaha
Guy: You sure you’re attracted to me beyond a plutonic (his spelling not mine) level?
Girl: (serious internal debate about how to respond because a lot of this ground was covered on Thursday evening after movie debacle, then): I am interested in going out with you again and getting to know you better. And I find you attractive, but given that we have only been on a little more than one date (not sure if the movie counts ;) I just though we would see where it goes.
After no response from Guy, the next day, Girl decides to follow-up.
Girl: How was Stone Mountain? Did you get to see the laser show?
Guy: We actually had a great time…How was the rest of your Monday? ;)
Girl: Sounds like fun. My Monday was crazy busy. So tired I went to bed at 8. Today is shaping up to be just as much fun.
Radio silence from Guy, Girl kind of loosing interest due to constant needs to reassure guy of interest. That is not who she is. Especially, when she is just getting to know someone. Assumes Thursday is a no go, since Guy never responds on availability. And then Guy sends text on Wednesday evening at 9:30 p.m.
Guy: Change your mind?
Girl: About what?
Guy: Tomorrow
Girl: What about tomorrow? Last I knew you weren’t sure if you were free. Given I hadn’t heard anything, assumed you weren’t
Guy: Oh, ok
Girl: Ok what?
Guy: Ok, sorry I asked.
Girl: No reason to be sorry. Just not sure what is up
Guy: see this is what I’m talking about You could have at least said hello today since Thursday was your suggestion.
Guy: (7 minutes later): or not
Girl: Really not even sure what to say
Guy: Ok. Well, I won’t bother you.
Guy: (6 minutes later) Even though it’s pretty disappointing
Guy: (11 minutes later) Hello?
At this point, Girl realizes that Guy is once again waiting for her to jump in and soothe his ego. Unfortunately, Guy does not know Girl very well. Needless to say, I gave him a piece of my mind:
Girl: (text 1) I'm sorry what is it you want from me? I told you I was attracted to you and would like to get to know you better, but that apparently wasn't good enough. You cancelled on Tuesday due to work, I suggested Thursday and you said you would check, but never respond and it was my job to pursue you. As far as I know I have never not responded to a message or a phone call from you, but apparently if I don't reach out to you ever day, I am doing something wrong.
Girl: (text 2) When did the rules change? I told you I was not the type of girl to make the first move. And still you keep pushing me. Whatever happened to the guy going after the girl? What happened to you are a lady and deserve to be treated like one. What happened to guy meets girl, guy likes girl, guy pursues girl. What happened to getting to know someone before trying to define everything? And what is with over analyzing everything I say. I told you I would be straightforward, that I don't play games.
Guy: Are you like this with every guy you date?
Girl: Like what?
Guy: I haven't asked to define a thing. All I asked is that you show an interest. I get chivalry. At some point though, any guy would want to feel like he is not the only one making an effort to show he's interested. Oh yea, I analyze because that's the way I am. That's not going to change.
Guy: (3 minutes later): And I don't push you
Guy: (21 minutes later) Or mean to anyway
Needless to say, I did not respond further. Despite the many, many potential responses that came to mind, I decided to take the high road and just move on.
SERIOUSLY!!!
Once again, I end up laughing my ass off about the absurdity of the guys I keep finding myself on dates with.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Is it me?
My forays into the dating world seem to result in little more than a few evenings out and a crazy story to tell friends later. As this has repeatedly happened to me over the last 5 years (and yes it has been 5 years since I have been in a serious relationship), I had to ask the question “Is it me?”
And the answer… “Maybe, but I don’t think it is a bad thing.”
Some women and men get more desperate the longer they are alone. I once had a guy (no he did not make it past the first date) ask me what my date to get married was. When in confusion I asked what he meant. He said that all girls have an “I need to be married by {Insert Date or Age}”. I responded with I do not have an expiration date. If I meet the right person and we decide it is right for us, we will get married. If I do not meet the right person, I do not get married. He seemed astounded by my reply.
I find that I do not get more desperate the longer I am single. It seems to have the reverse affect on me. Instead of lowering my standards, the longer I am alone, the higher my standards get. In the absence of a serious relationship, which requires spending time getting to now a person, I have had a lot of time to get to know myself. As a result, I know what I want out of life (or at least have a pretty good idea) and I enjoy my “me” time. It allows me to pursue various interests and inclinations, such as jewelry making, learning how to knit, crocheting, refinishing furniture, watching whatever I want on tv, spending an entire weekend reading numerous books, making plans at the drop of the hat, whatever I want.
The truth is that I am not going to waste my time and energies trying to impress a guy just so I am not alone. I would rather be alone and true to myself then married for the sake of being married.
However, there still seems to be this lingering stigmata of being single, but I think the stigmata is only lingering because we women perpetuate it by thinking poorly of single women or by settling so we can be in a relationship. Unfortunately, being single women, I can attest to this. Just to clarify, the unfortunate part is not that I am single; it is that I have seen first hand evidence of women and even men perpetuating this stigmata.
I understand that when you are in a relationship you want to do things with your SO and be around other couples, but I have a real problem with people who want to turn everything into a couples’ event. Its one thing to say you are welcome to bring your SO to the event. It is another thing entirely to make the event couples only. What kind of message is that suppose to send?
In summary, it is wrong to assume that everyone who is single is desperate or has some serious character flaw.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble as a result of A) a series of train wreck dating experiences (I might have to blog a bit more about those later) B) Anger about a series of incidences where people kept mentioning oh we should have a “couples this” and a “couples that”. Ummm, thanks guys, guess you do not really want me to be there.
I feel like in view of this ramble, I should also mention that I have been fortunate to find a group of friends who are all happily settled in relationships, but do not feel the need to ostracize me from events due to my single status. More importantly, they do not make me feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel when I go out with them. While I am extremely lucky in that sense, these women (and the men they are with) are in my experience the exception, not the rule. Because I have been so lucky in finding these friends, it is much easier to weed out the friends who would exclude me from events they deem for couples and whether intentional or not make me feel like I was lacking as a person simply because I am lacking a man in my life.
I am who I am. And I will not settle for anything that requires me to be anything less than true to myself. Me, myself and I, have had a lot of time to get to know each other and what I have discovered is that I like who I am and I am not about to change it just to become a we.
And the answer… “Maybe, but I don’t think it is a bad thing.”
Some women and men get more desperate the longer they are alone. I once had a guy (no he did not make it past the first date) ask me what my date to get married was. When in confusion I asked what he meant. He said that all girls have an “I need to be married by {Insert Date or Age}”. I responded with I do not have an expiration date. If I meet the right person and we decide it is right for us, we will get married. If I do not meet the right person, I do not get married. He seemed astounded by my reply.
I find that I do not get more desperate the longer I am single. It seems to have the reverse affect on me. Instead of lowering my standards, the longer I am alone, the higher my standards get. In the absence of a serious relationship, which requires spending time getting to now a person, I have had a lot of time to get to know myself. As a result, I know what I want out of life (or at least have a pretty good idea) and I enjoy my “me” time. It allows me to pursue various interests and inclinations, such as jewelry making, learning how to knit, crocheting, refinishing furniture, watching whatever I want on tv, spending an entire weekend reading numerous books, making plans at the drop of the hat, whatever I want.
The truth is that I am not going to waste my time and energies trying to impress a guy just so I am not alone. I would rather be alone and true to myself then married for the sake of being married.
However, there still seems to be this lingering stigmata of being single, but I think the stigmata is only lingering because we women perpetuate it by thinking poorly of single women or by settling so we can be in a relationship. Unfortunately, being single women, I can attest to this. Just to clarify, the unfortunate part is not that I am single; it is that I have seen first hand evidence of women and even men perpetuating this stigmata.
I understand that when you are in a relationship you want to do things with your SO and be around other couples, but I have a real problem with people who want to turn everything into a couples’ event. Its one thing to say you are welcome to bring your SO to the event. It is another thing entirely to make the event couples only. What kind of message is that suppose to send?
In summary, it is wrong to assume that everyone who is single is desperate or has some serious character flaw.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble as a result of A) a series of train wreck dating experiences (I might have to blog a bit more about those later) B) Anger about a series of incidences where people kept mentioning oh we should have a “couples this” and a “couples that”. Ummm, thanks guys, guess you do not really want me to be there.
I feel like in view of this ramble, I should also mention that I have been fortunate to find a group of friends who are all happily settled in relationships, but do not feel the need to ostracize me from events due to my single status. More importantly, they do not make me feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel when I go out with them. While I am extremely lucky in that sense, these women (and the men they are with) are in my experience the exception, not the rule. Because I have been so lucky in finding these friends, it is much easier to weed out the friends who would exclude me from events they deem for couples and whether intentional or not make me feel like I was lacking as a person simply because I am lacking a man in my life.
I am who I am. And I will not settle for anything that requires me to be anything less than true to myself. Me, myself and I, have had a lot of time to get to know each other and what I have discovered is that I like who I am and I am not about to change it just to become a we.
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